Now I know...I know what it is that I am missing so much. I miss my roots. I miss Iran o Irani. Such an irony; it seems that I love it now as much as I used to hate it. I feel like after 30 years ,now I am being born again ; this time Iranian.
I miss my room in that old house in Koocheyeh varzesh where I used to spend hours and hours reading and reading and reading in the dark...I miss calling my friends and being on the phone for hours and hours trying to figure out the world, the relationships, the books, poetry and the unnecessary pains we were going through. I miss those days when I cut my hair short and wanted to be a guerrilla saving the world.
I guess that's what it is. I don't know if this is due to my turning 30 or the nostalgia of being away from my past.
Now freerer than I have ever been in my life I feel stuck with biology, chemistry and genetics with these people who have no idea who Shaamloo o Nima are. Have no idea who Rolan's Annette is or who my "Little Prince" was ... I know it's not they're fault..there are many things that I don't understand in this culture..but it does not help me feel better.
Sometimes I just want everything to be in Farsi the books, the conversations, the movies...
Sometimes I wanna smoke a cigarette and feel good that these traditional people passing by are getting very offended. Sometimes I miss those days where I put on my tight short covering with my little scarf. Oh, how good it was to pass a Chadori woman looking like that with a lot of makeup and almost all my hair showing. OH, what a relief it was to see them upset with that pathetic look which meant " I am gonna o to heaven and you're gonna burn in God's hell."
But I knew deep down in her unconscious mind she was filled with self hatred.
It's like from medieval ages I am dropped into this modern world where women are totally respected, understood and have all sorts of rights that I , with all the rebelliousness in my blood, never imagined as my rights. I feel overrighted I guess. How ridiculous! I ever fought for as a woman. It's like my identity is a little damaged here...I know I wanna fight for women's rights in Iran. I know I have a lot to do, but it seems that I need new definitions, new ...new new new......everything new.
So what does that mean?
.......I'll let you know more soon!
2 comments:
Is it true that the firt impression is the lasting impression? Can we judge a book by its cover? Did we ever mistake someone for arrogant just by their looks only to discover later on they are down to earth?
The "pathetic look" could be your own perception, maybe you reminded her of a daughter, a sister or her youth..or maybe she thought you were young and foolish with a weird dress sense :)
Maybe it was just a passing look; maybe if you were a "chadori" girl yourself maybe you'd get the same look..
Maybe she thought you had nice eyes ;) and deep down she was jealous lol
Maybe shes was just walking back home with 1001 things on her mind, and the pathetic look is always there with or without the chador!
Maybe she had nothing on her mind, no hell or heaven! and you just happened to cross her path
Just some thoughts!
Hashim
ps. maybe she liked your scarf hehe
Yes.All my perception. I wrote those lines when I was extremely suffering from culture shock.
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